This post has a slightly different tone to it. Sometimes I get into information mode. I love the way the pieces fit together and the deep research that has gone into building increasingly effective ways of helping people who are suffering. I’ve come to understand that strong treatment models emerge from robust scholarship and a range of analysis and metanalyses. I love sharing what I’ve learned about this.
This article reflects a little more of how I bring this to Young Adults and parents. I hope this can be a window into our culture at Confluence and why it has been so effective in helping Young Adults move forward. I’ll do my best to share how I see this work and why i believe it is so deeply important.
It’ll take a minute. I get started in information mode. But wait for it and I hope we’ll get there.
Third-wave Cognitive Behavioral Therapies (CBTs) such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) are uniquely effective treatment approaches for Young Adults. These modalities prioritize the context and function of our thoughts, emphasizing how we think and helping Young Adults manage their thoughts more effectively. These therapies help shift the relationship Young Adults have with their emotions, reframing them through acceptance, compassion, and curiosity. Cognitive skills teach ways of “thinking about thinking” that create distance and flexibility. Emotion regulation skills emphasize acceptance and riding the wave of emotional intensity. We live the lives we want to live alongside our thoughts and feelings. We feel our feelings and think our thoughts while pursuing a meaningful life.
A central tenet of third-wave CBTs is living a valued life in the context of our emotions and thoughts. We will think all sorts of thoughts. We’ll feel all sorts of feelings. At time those both may feel incredibly intense and urgent and seem as if they will last forever. They’ll feel as if the feelings and thoughts need to stop or that nothing else can happen unless they go away. We may numb out and not be able to feel our feelings much at all. There are all sorts of ways this goes and we want to know ourselves. We want to know how we think, feel, and act and learn new ways to live a valued life even as these feelings and thoughts arise and pass.
And its not just our feelings. Our thoughts will go in all manner of places. They may discourage us from connecting with others. They may tell us to stop participating in meaningful activities or to avoid opportunities. They’ll be relentless and confusing and insist on a given course without giving a fair shake to all of the cool things there are to do.
In the most compassionate way, this is part of the deal. This is what it means to be human. A well-lived life includes all of the ups and downs we’re all subject to. Those downs are deeper for some than others. And the highs may surpass a safe range. But everyone’s suffering is significant and meaningful. Learning how to live a valued life in the context of that suffering does double duty. On the one hand, when Young Adults do what is important to them and act in accordance with their most authentic selves, they can know they are doing their part and be proud they’re hewing their path. A measure above, when Young Adults live this way, they tend to feel better. They’re out learning, having fun, and connecting to others. They look at their experiences and are happy with what they are doing. They look into the future and foresee opportunities. And they know there will be challenges.
Third -wave CBTs help us understand that. Young Adults, and all of us really, are figuring out how to make a life worth living while built into the whole thing is a host of challenges. We’re all working that out. We get to do that work alongside our Young Adults. Third-wave approaches are relational therapies. Practicing this way, we all recognize that our human experiences are done in connection with others. As parents and providers we both model this way of being and benefit from the practice. It’s a pretty great arrangement.
We can’t do the work for our Young Adults. This is their work to do as well. Working through the past and making sense of life, with all that goes along with that, is what we do. We do far better when the conclusions we draw support our well-being. We do far better when that discouraging critic gets viewed with a bit of distance and curiosity. We can just let the thought be there. Just content. Just information because that’s what our brains do. Brains tell stories and learning to let some of that float through without it taking root and holding it too tightly helps us see our way through the toughest times. We can give space to our emotions and find ways of meeting our needs that make things better or keep us closer we care about.
We aren’t responsible for the things that happened to us, but we are responsible for what we do with that past. We wrestle with this stuff and can
This isn’t an expert model. It is a model of working alongside. There is is a process that we are
Thinking in these ways, Young Adults understand this as part of a life they want to live. Flexibility, acceptance, agency and values help us all learn to see our internal worlds and the world around us from a new perspective. We do this work alongside our Young Adults and we all come to know that when we do any hard thing, when we care about and for others, when we take risks, respect the autonomy of others, and exercise our own agency, we are doing good work. We are being most fully human. We are figuring out who we can be. We are getting to really know others and let others know us. This is how we manage the hard times when they come. We build this infrastructure like we build any practice and passion. We work on it when the pressure is low so we have the skill when we need it most.
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Participants are encouraged to lead the lives they want to live alongside their emotions. They learn how to engage their thoughts with curiosity. This increases flexibility, resilience, and connectedness to others.
For a generation navigating unprecedented digital connectivity, academic pressure, and identity formation, these methods offer a more flexible, compassionate framework for healing.
Moving Beyond “Right” and “Wrong” Thoughts
One reason third-wave therapies are so effective for young adults is their shift away from binary thinking. Young Adults are ready to think more critically. They appreciate nuance and sophistication. They are preparing to interact in a wider social environment.
Third wave CBTs are rooted in dialectical thinking. This cognitive ability to synthesize seemingly opposing information into workable solutions helps Young Adults successfully navigate increasingly complex internal and external experiences. Dialectical thinking also happens to be a cognitive resource developed during young adulthood. Using therapies that are aligned with the neuro-cognitive work done during this developmental window leverages this neurological readiness. From the Participants’ perspective, it often is experienced as validating. This approach is based on a respect for the Participants autonomy, their world-view and their values.
Third-wave therapies identify mental health as the result of psychological flexibility. Psychological flexibility is the ability to stay in the present moment, mindful of thoughts and feelings, persisting in or changing behavior based on core values rather than immediate impulses, anxieties, insecurities, or
Instead of becoming overwhelmed or fighting a negative thought or an unpleasant feeling, Participants learn to observe their inner experience without judgment. They practice accepting their thoughts and feelings, approaching them with compassion and curiosity. From a dialectical perspective, this acceptance and change work together. When we practice radical acceptance, we free ourselves from the inner critical and self-limiting beliefs that often push towards avoidance and disconnection. This is crucial for Young Adults who often feel the pressure of a new series of life decisions. Young Adults are often overwhelmed by the very real expectations that accompany building a more independent life. They may compare themselves to others and judge themselves harshly, a pattern amplified by social media and incredibly corrosive to well-being. By teaching Young Adults to coexist with uncomfortable thoughts rather than constantly battling them, third-wave CBTs reduce the exhaustion and “meta-distress” (feeling anxious about being anxious) that often leads to shutting down and giving up.
Emotional Regulation and Distress Tolerance
The transition into adulthood involves navigating a wider range of experiences. Living outside of parents’ homes, college, first jobs, friendships, and romantic relationships are all exciting opportunities. But Young Adults, particularly those deeply affected by the COVID era, may feel ill-prepared to assume this new level of responsibility. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a cornerstone of third-wave CBTs, provides a concrete toolkit for distress tolerance and emotional regulation. One marker of independence developed during the transition from adolescence to adulthood is the capacity to manage one’s emotional world without the co-regulation provided by parents. DBT skills give practical strategies for managing emotional intensity and maintaining emotional equanimity. The tools help Young Adults practice proactive self-care strategies and to recognize when to use coping skills as emotional intensity might otherwise lead towards unhelpful behaviors.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a core concept in third-wave CBTs. These clinical modalities define mindfulness as an active psychological state designed to change the relationship to thoughts and feelings. Mindfulness is practiced through paying attention, on purpose, to the present moment, without judgment. It is based on a willingness to accept the thoughts, feelings, and situations experienced and maintain curiosity and openness to these experiences. Young Adults today live in an almost constant state of competition for their attention, pulled away from the “here and now.” Digital distractions, academic pressures, social obligations, family commitments, and future planning all challenge the ability to be present. These experiences are magnified as Young Adults build independence and make it all the more difficult to attune to inner experiences.
Mindfulness skills help create distance. They give space between the intensity of thoughts and feelings and our ability to exist calmly in the moment. They train the brain to stay grounded, compassionate and flexible. They help decrease anxious rumination and disrupt patterns of “future-tripping” (anxiety about what’s next) and “past-dwelling” (shame over mistakes) that are so commonly shared by Young Adults. This “unplugging” from the cycle of distressing thoughts and feelings gives Young Adults the experience of having challenging inner experiences while staying committed to their goals and values.
Values-Based Action
Last thing – third-wave therapies emphasize values-based action. According to third-wave CBTs values-based action are concrete, observable behaviors that are in alignment with one’s core values and deeply held guiding principles. The word values is important here. Values are not just abstract beliefs; values are defined as “verbally constructed consequences of ongoing patterns of activity”. This means they are often discovered and refined through the experience of acting. We focus learning our values through engaging in life. Young Adults are ready for this too. They are ready to build bigger communities of friends, educators, colleagues, and mentors. They are ready to make decisions more independently. They are ready to manage their internal experiences more effectively by pursuing a life that is important to them.
The Role of Obstacles
A core tenet of values-based action is persisting despite difficulty. Third-wave CBT skills and perspectives, like cognitive defusion, mindfulness, and acceptance, help Young Adults “carry” their uncomfortable thoughts and feelings while they continue to move toward what matters most to them. Obstacles are part of the journey. We learn to anticipate these challenges, ride the wave of emotions that accompany life’s challenges, focus on goals, and act from values. This helps Young Adults trust that they have the strength, creativity, and resilience to see their way through these inevitable obstacles.
Young Adults are working hard, figuring out who they are and building who they want to be. They are asking big questions during one of those most turbulent periods of life. They are looking into a whole scope of responsibility in a world that is increasingly unfamiliar. What kind of person do they want to be. Where will they live. What do they want to do with their time. Who will be their people. What work will they do. How do they make sense of their past and use that to fuel their future. This is important stuff, and there isn’t a clear roadmap.
Third-wave CBTs explore these questions and help Young Adults figure out how they want to be in the world, with themselves, and in relationships with their loved ones. They get clear on their values and shift the focus from being less depressed, anxious or overwhelmed to living a life more meaningfully.
Learning to prioritze living according to what kind of person, alongside their thoughts and feelings, they want be supports this is the primary window for identity formation. ACT, in particular, asks: “Regardless of your symptoms, what kind of person do you want to be?” This shifts the focus from “being less depressed” to “living more meaningfully.” For a young person, connecting their treatment to their personal values—such as creativity, advocacy, or connection—provides the intrinsic motivation necessary for long-term wellness.
third-wave CBTs are important because they offer a holistic, non-judgmental, and skills-based approach. They empower young adults not just to think differently, but to relate to their internal world with a sense of agency and compassion.